The first home I ever remember living at was an apartment of sorts, my mother and I lived upstairs, whiles our landlord and his family lived downstairs, and in the basement lived another family. My mother often went out with one of the landlord's sons, Jimmy, often living me in the care of his younger brother Kenny. My first official memory started one one of thoes occasions, when my mother was out enjoying her time with Jimmy, while I was left in the care of Kenny (I had yet to start school, so that placed my age at around 4). Kenny had decided that instead of keeping me indoors all day, he would put me upon his shoulders and carry me out to the barn, where I could see Babes, a small gray (maybe white) pony that our landlord owned, we had just vanished from the site of the house when Kenny's arms shifted a bit so that his fingers were near my childish sex, I was wearing a small pair of shorts, the ones that only children and whores could get away with wrearing, so Kenny's fingers didn't hover on outside my shorts for very long, before I felt them probe against me. I was only a child...I saw nothing wrong with it....besides I remember I found that it had felt good.

Kenny continued his little trick, only doing it when I was upon his shoulders and none would suspect that something was wrong, of course I was a child I didn't know any better, even while in school after our teachers showed us videos of strangers trying to molest other children, I never made the connection. Kenny wasn't a stranger and none of the kids in the movie were ever placed upon the offenders shoulders. I failed to make the connection, I failed to see what was wrong...until SEVERAL years down the road.

That's my first clear memory, a guy of perhaps no more then 16  exploring a 4 year old body...with nothing mroe then a probing finger or two. Most of my memories are in short blurbs only giving me the most painful of memories....

Take my year in first grade for example, we were learning to tie our shoes a simple task that for a child of 6 was quite impossible, My mother and Jimmy were officailly a couple and by then we had moved into a house, I was sitting upon the kitchen floor trying to tie my shoe and in a fit of aggrevation I had asked my mother do help me, upon severl failed attmepts with her help she had gotten mad and sezied the back of my head, before I could register what was happeing my nose met my knee with a rather surprising force, the crushing of bone being heard and my screams of pain filled the room, because I couldn't tie my shoe, my mother had slammed my face upon my knee, breaking my nose.

Things were fine for a a few years after that, I don't remember any abuse of any sorts, other the the occasional moment with Kenny and his ever curious fingers. I was 8 when I learned that my mother was pregnant, this would be my first younger sister, Kayla, It was upon her arrival that things began to change, I was no longer the only child, I was no longer the sole reciever of my mothers attentions. When Kayla was born I could do nothing right, so I steadily learned to ignore her and lose myself in my ever widdening world of books.

We once more moved our family, one a family of three, now a family of four. We moved  to a small farming community called North Collins.  I was entering my fourth grade year and was still sore about the move, I didn't want to leave the friends I had at Boston Valley. It was upon the move that things seemed to get worse, I did horribly in school, my rebellious attitude getting the best of me. My mother and Jimmy were again having another child, this one to be Shelby, I was once more set asdie as the outcaste of the family. Mother and Jimmy ahd their own family now, one that I didn't belong to. There were subtle hints dropped that I was considered an outcast, that I was the lack sheep of the "family". The molestation by Kenny continued well up until my 5th grade year, and I found that I liked it, I would constantly put myself in situations where Kenny would finger me, I found a grim satisfaction that I had at least someplace to run to. I felt that Kenny needed me in a way even if it were only for mild pleasure.

That's the hardest thing for me to admit. That while it was sexual abuse I never once told him no, I never once told him to stop, and I would very often egg him on until he gave me what I wanted. At the age of 10 I was already a little whore, wanting the touch of a man to make me feel wanted....

Kenny wasn't the only man to touch me. Soon it became my cousin Brian and my cousin Doug...and once it was even Jimmy himself. Brain had asked me if he could touch me...and I had said yes, I willingly allowed him to! I wanted someone to make me feel like I had a purpsoe since by that point I was mindless and believed that I was "fat" and "ugly" and that I "would never amount to anything but a whore". I just proved everyone right though they didn't realize it at the time.

Things at home were ntohing but hell, I hated school and I hated home but I would often retreat to school just so I could meet up with the few friends I had. Eventually I skipped school all together and roamed around town with the local gang, they at least knew how to have fun in my eyes, they at least treated me like family.

On one of the many occasions of me being grounded I was forced to do alot of yard work, when I refused my step dad grabbed me by the hair and upon seizing a broom began to beat me with it, I never once cried out, only biting my lip until it bled, I wouldn;t have dared give that bastard the satisfaction of knowing I was in pain....I only screamed out once, when the broom handle finally broke, it was then that he let me go and it was then that I could do nothing buy lay on the ground and choke back the firey tears, it wasn't until the gang leader stopped by that I realized the extent of the damage, my back was beaten bloody, and splinters of wood covered my back. It was the gang leader who took my battered body to the hospital, it was he who stayed with me, comforting me, saying he was proud of me. from that day on I flew with the Eagles.

For the longest time I ran with the gang comitting petty crimes. It was that year that my cousin introduced me to her fiance a 22 year old male, who was rather attractive, though at that time he was most certainly not my type. Things at home continued to get heavier and heavier, and my soon to be couin in law invited me over to his house to escape the frustrations of home, knowing tha my mother hated him I sought to exact revenge upon her by going ecaxtly where she forbidden me to go. Withiut more then a tough I took the bus over to his house and lounged around for a bit, before he offered to show me this new game in his playroom, trusting the man, I thought nothing odd of him wanting to show me a game, thought things soon grew odd enough. I sat upon the spare bed, and he sat beside me resting his hand upon my thigh. I couldn't look at him, but I felt uncomfortable, before I could utter a sound, his hand was placed over my mouth and his body rolled on top of mine. In a matter of moments my clothes lay tatterd upon the floor and his handswhere upon his dick, massaging it while he talked to me. I couldn't speak, as his one had was still over my motuh, pinning my head to the bed, I tried to kick him, but his hand upon his dick stopped my legs, hoisting them above me, before I could cry out he burried his lenght inside me with a force that caused me to scream out, my scream was quickly silenced as a violent slap was placed upon my cheek, I continued to fight thought the more I fought the harder he salmmed into me, eventually I could take no more of his abuse and I passed out.

When I awoke he was no where to be seen and I was laying in a small puddle of blood and cum, picking my once mroe batterd body off the bed, I dressed in my tattered clothing before quietly leaving the house, the inlaws were all home yet none would look at me, I walked the 15 miles back to my home, crying and sobbing most of the way, getting hom though I found an unpleasnat surprise, my mother was waiting up for me and as soon as I walked through the door I was ment with a steady back hand, one which sent me flying across the room, saying nothing I stood, and locked myself in my room, before once more sneaking out my window and running off to be with the only family I had, though not even they knew what had happened, I had lied and told them a fight...

About a week or two after the rape my mother and I once mroe got into a fight, this time however I found myself with my back agaisnt the wall, my feet dangling at least four inches from the floor, I couldn;t breath very much, but I remember my mother saying she could kill me then and there if she wanted to...It was in that very moment I decided to fight back, narrowing my eyes, I spoke as much as I could, challenging her to kill me. it was they that she dropped me, and I calmly walked into my room, only to sneak out of my window once more.

Few weeks later, I learned I was pregnant the child's father being none other then my cousin's fiance. I could face telling anyone, nor could I face having anyone seem me the way I was, as my pregnancy developed I left hom and stayed witha  friend, locking msyelf in the bathroom and only coming out to eat.  The nine months of my pregnancy I never once had contact with other people, refusing even to go see a DR. Needles to say I had a healthy baby girl whom I named Arianna...I had custody of her for about two years before the state came and took her away from me, the hardest thing I ever had to go through, even after all the abuse...